♪ [rock]
[Announcer] What are these people running from? They're not!
They're running to the world's toughest competition in town:
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Today it's the romance industry
versus the firearm industry.
It's the classic battle between Cupid's bow
versus Cupid's AK-47.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now, here's two guys that are always packin' heat:
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Hey, Vic, what are you looking at down there?
Well, Ken, I'm just using my hunting scope.
There's a short man with a bow and arrow
and some wings on his back.
Oh, crap, that's Cupid.
Dude's been trying to shoot me all day.
Oh, Kenny, that's nonsense.
That's a myth. That's an urban legend.
I don't want to be in love.
I like chicks and beer, not chick and beer.
Uh-oh! Oh, shoot. Let's go inside quick.
Oh, okay. I'm with you, my friend.
He's trying to get me.
Cupid's a cherub. How could you anger a cherub?
I called him a fat midget.
Well, there you go.
Oh! That's his sword!
Stay calm. We'll call 911.
Nah, he'll just fly away.
Uh-oh! Cupid's thong! I'm doomed!
Guy here, ready to meet my internet soul mate
for a romantic liaison
that finally isn't separated by a sticky keyboard.
First, the inviting Great Holes of Glory.
Then you'll experience a dangler
with Dope on a Rope.
Next, get soiled with Skid Markers.
And finally, we buzz over to Wall Buggers.
Now, let's meet Guy's e-female.
She said I would know her by the dead fish in the tree.
[sniffing] She's near.
[gasps, speaking fake French]
She looks like the kind of lover
that can really take a punch. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Frightening. How many of you think
love and romance is overrated
and that they only exist in states of fantasy and dementia?
Show of hands now.
Yay! Yay!
You're wrong.
That wonderful interaction between a man and a woman
feeds the soul, calms the heart,
and provides relief to the nether regions.
Hey, Captain, check out this love song.
Ahem.
♪ This is my rifle, this is my gun ♪
♪ This is for fightin', this is for fun ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Wow. That was romantic!
Hmm. Hey, you, doe eyes,
how do you know
when you've been caught in Cupid's crosshairs?
Oh, I'm not sure how to describe it,
but I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach here,
and then it follows what I call the treasure trail,
all the way down to--
Ohh! Treasure trail? Yes.
Missy, this is a family show!
[Man] I'd like to weed-whack that.
Let's go! [cheering]
[Vic] And we are off to our first contest:
Great Holes of Glory. Get it on!
The object of this game
is to find the appropriate opening
and cut through it,
hopefully without much residual tearing, Ken.
Wrong hole, and you may get a mouthful of mud.
Right you are, Ken.
Oh, and dropping her helmet there,
Pinky Majora, as she pulls in front
and gets buttressed by that glory hole, Ken.
And look at that right there. There's Glock Ruger!
That young colt started with firearms at an early age count.
Does that make him a premature shooter?
Could be, Ken. And there in front,
that's Juan Don, serial love letter writer.
Claims to have written love notes
to 4,000 women.
He must have a big Bic.
Kenny! Here's what Juan had to say earlier.
Chicks dig me. My tongue's not sore just from licking envelopes,
if you know what I mean.
Well, informative and disturbing.
Look at that, Ken.
Looks like the Gun team's shooting out in front.
And right there, coming through--
popping through, that's Vince Nobel.
He's got ADD: ammunition deficit disorder.
Yeah, he can't pay attention in school
unless his gun is loaded.
Who can, Ken? Oh, look at that.
Holding hard, that is India's Mahatma Singhs,
founder of Frederick's of Bollywood.
Yeah, their dirty lingerie is authentically dirty.
And there they are under the vat of dehydrated Old Spice,
the original scent of romance.
My grandma wears that.
Right you are, and right there,
Nancy Venton moving gingerly through that hole.
She designs Velcro flesh apron holsters
for obese gun owners.
And right there,
Karen Brockman deflowered Bouquet Nectar.
Oh! Into the fluid, Ken.
And that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Yeah, and that fluid is made up
of big game entrails from the practice range
of Nairobi Bob's Elephant Guns and Ammo Store.
Safe and aromatic. And speaking of that,
as they continue to sift through the Old Spice, Ken,
let's go down to Guy,
who's with primatologist Wayne Goodall.
He studies the mating patterns
of monkeys and apes.
So that is how a monkey attracts a mate, huh?
Yeah.
Show us what it would be like
if you wanted to attract a highland gorilla.
Oh! Oh, that gives me some very strange feelings down below!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Well, both teams popped
an equal share of glory holes,
and we are all tied up at 22 to 22.
Well, Ken, you know the best way to a woman's heart?
Yeah, crack the rib cage, go through the sternum,
or maybe a big box of chocolates
or a sex toy.
[buzzing]
Right you are, Ken.
Sometimes our egos get in the way,
but it's all about the lady's pleasure.
It is? Yes, indeed.
Whatever-- Aah!
Kenny!
Aah! Cupid got me!
That stupid, fat flying baby got me!
Aah! I'm in love! Aah!
Indeed you are. I recognize that look.
Love hurts. Ow! Good for you.
Next on MXC:
hang on to the ropey strand,
or you'll get a mouthful.
Got it, fudge knot?
[Announcer] MXC is back
as the truly devoted
take on the fully loaded.
Bang!
Hey, Vic, I found
this romance expert on the internet.
Kenny, You can't have a romance expert.
It comes from the heart.
This guy knows everything. Trust me.
His name's Bill. He's right here.
I'm Bill. Hi, Kenny.
Yeah, whatever.
First you break the ice by remembering her name.
Ahh!
Then you reel her in with witty jokes
and waving your big wad... of cash.
The goal is to get her
to sit on the glass coffee table,
sneak underneath, and wipe off the condensation,
and enjoy the view.
Works every time. Taco.
Ah, the old "ham in a wrapper" routine.
Always a frat house favorite.
Then close the deal
by giving her the look of love, like so.
Game 2: Dope on a Rope,
where our players swing from point A to point B
without landing in the mystery sludge, C, get it?
Player up.
[whistle blows]
Get it on!
[Vic] And first up, Weaver Gerzinsky.
He's a naturalist who eats and wears everything he kills.
[prolonged belch]
[Ken] Whoa, that's a cheetah burp.
You can smell it from here.
I think I got a whiff of ocelot.
Oh, he's down in the fluid there, Ken.
¡Buenos Días!
And of course, next up,
the Latin lover Bolsa Testiculo.
He makes the ladies caliente en los pantalones.
Is that like a cholupo with extra cheese?
It's a Happy Meal either way you look at it.
He's down in the fluid. What a shame.
Let's take another look.
Yeah, he churroed his biblioteca.
Right you are, Ken.
Sprinkles on my back!
Next up, Doris Dunkin.
She's owner of Winchellchester.
It's the all-in-one doughnut shop and firing range.
I like the gunpowdered doughnuts.
Oh, looks like she Krispy Kremed herself there, Ken.
I hate flowers!
Here's Carlton Hallmark.
He writes romantic STD greeting cards.
My favorite is "Roses are red, violets are blue.
Sorry I gave you herpes type 2."
Right you are, Ken.
Oh, and he is down in the number 2.
And that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Oh, my sympathies. Get well soon.
Uh, sorry for your loss, loser.
Ha ha! Uh, loser.
Touching stuff, Ken.
Spank my inner thigh!
Next up, Margibelle Oakly.
She's a shotgun wedding planner.
Yeah, Nana Blankenship used her in four of her weddings.
Nana was married out of wedlock?
No, I think it was in Reno.
Oh, she's in the fluid, Ken.
That's hot tub skimmings
from the Star Jones Singles Camp.
Right you are, Ken.
Guy LeDouche had a chance
to talk with Margibelle earlier today.
My job's so romantic,
marrying them before the birth.
Oh, you reek! What's that smell?
I have to use my stink cloth now.
That is my nighttime dream rag.
Is that what it is? I didn't know what that stink was.
Ooh. Smell my hand. Is that you?
Yes.
That must have been a bad dream.
And carnage!
Next up, Earl Carpenter.
He directs romantic horror films.
Yeah, I loved When Harry Met Sally
and Killed Her with an Axe.
Don't forget Pretty Woman Gets Killed With an Axe.
And my favorite: An Officer and a Gentleman and an Axe.
And look at this. He's hanging on
because he's got no place else to go!
Yeah. That's what he said
right before he cut up his drill instructor with an axe.
Right you are, Ken,
and he certainly romanced this ending
and scores one.
I can't wait for his new remake:
When a Man Loves a Woman With an Axe.
Ah. Can't wait to see the director's cut.
See what I did there, Ken?
I shoot blanks!
Next up, straight NRA student Robert Guerrero.
He goes to Charlton Heston High.
Oh!
Yeah, at that school,
if you don't have a gun, they expel you.
Supine!
Here's tantric sex tour guide
Carmine Sutra.
He takes you close to your destination,
but not actually all the way.
Let's see if he gets where he's going today, Ken.
Oh, and it looks like he just can't seem to release.
Oh!
There he's down. Finally.
I spilled on Aisle 4!
And here's Shannon Dorsey.
She's the buyer at Crate and Gun Barrel.
Yeah, the combo home decorating and home defense store.
Right you are, Ken. Oh, she's down in the fluid.
Let's take another look at that one.
Yeah, right here.
She goes bed, bath, and beyond.
Right you are, Ken.
See what I did there?
I guess so.
What did I do?
I'm good!
Next up, Harry Todd.
He runs iMatch.com,
the internet self-dating service.
Yeah, they guarantee you're going to score every time.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see what he does here.
Looks like-- Oh! Oh!
He almost made it.
Looks like he's going to go home alone as well.
Try to guess my weight!
There's Nancy Derringer,
creator of the Gunpowderpuff Girls.
Yeah, I got their Uzi-shaped lunch box.
That's appetizing. Oh, she's down in the fluid.
Let's go down to Guy, find out what happened.
Shout out to all my Powderpuffers.
Remember, keep your chambers full
and your barrel clean. Ha ha ha!
What is that on your forehead?
You have powder on it, huh?
Yeah, I accidentally took a hot load in my face.
Almost lost an eye. Ha ha!
Oh, well. Hey, this isn't my stink cloth.
It's Guy's dream rag.
So there you have it.
The Romance team scores one
and takes the lead, 23 to 22.
Coming up next on MXC:
Ha-- don't get wiped out with Skid Markers.
Hey, got a two-ply?
[Announcer] MXC is back,
as love and kisses
set their sights on guns and bullets.
Aren't they supposed to rhyme?
Captain Tenneal here!
I believe children should learn the joy of firearms
at an early age,
so that's why I created
this authentic-looking side arm
that shoots warm personal liquid.
It's called the Tenneal Pee Shooter 5000.
Remember, you'll be in the fun mode
when you shoot your load.
[Vic] And it's time for Skid Markers.
The object of the game is for each contestant
to duplicate the described image
without leaving an unsightly skid mark.
Ha-- Uh-- Hi.
Get it on!
First up, Alex Marquez.
He runs the after-school program
called Guns for Cigarettes.
That's a good one. Guns will kill you.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see what he does here.
Oh, he's having a little trouble there.
He's going to draw Norman Rockwell's
Saturday Morning in the Bathroom.
Kenny, I'm not familiar with that picture.
Yeah, it's a good one.
It's a kid and his puppy and a fireman,
and they're all taking a dump.
Good to see. Let's see what he's doing.
Looks like he's dumped out of this one, Ken.
See if he can get back up there.
He is running out of time.
You can't paint it there, jerk.
His composition is completely off.
I don't think he's going to get anything done,
and of course, right there,
Van Gogh, Gaugin hosing him down.
And he is done. Let's go down to Guy.
What happened? It looked like
you were having trouble drawing a Rockwell, huh?
Uh, I'm not familiar with French impressionists.
I understand you go an impression of Guy.
Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
It's like listening to a mirror.
I pee sitting down.
Next up, George Spacey.
Of course, he has been tasked
with replicating the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Wow. I hope he has enough time.
You're right, of course.
George also runs a bathroom dating service:
For a Good Time Call.
Oh, yeah. I use that.
That's how I got the number
of that chick who tried to stab me.
Good to know, Ken.
Good thing she fell asleep
and forgot I was locked in the trunk of her car.
Looks like he's having some trouble here.
Lost his brush.
Right you are.
Definitely an odd technique.
He's got some serious skid marks there, Ken.
Those are good ones. Those should count for something.
I don't think they're going to count for much.
The Sistine Chapel's what he's looking for,
and oh, and he is down, Ken!
Van Gogh and Gaugin hosing him off,
and that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Wow, Vic, if he would have done it this fast the first time,
he would have made it.
Right you are. It all comes down to timing.
I'm gonna knock you out!
Next up, George Foreman.
He invented the flamethrower hunting rifle.
You can kill 'em and grill 'em at the same time.
Of course, he will be attempting
to duplicate the entire electrical schematic
of the B-2 Stealth Bomber.
Let's see what he does here.
I drew that in my notebook in high school.
Right you are. Let's see what he does.
Charging up again.
Looks like he got a good start
on the landing gear or something.
[horn honks]
Oh, and he is hosed by Van Gogh and Gaugin.
I made the smell.
Next up, erotic sheriff Bobby Flange.
He wrote the cookbook Hot-fingered Foods.
Yeah, the cocktail wienies are good.
They come in three sizes: small, medium, and ethnic.
It's good eating. Let's see what he does here.
He has to draw the Battle of Gettysburg.
Right you are. Oh, look like he's stumbled
over Stonewall Jackson's left flank there.
He should just start with the guns and stuff.
Right you are, Ken. Oh, he's out of time.
What a shame.
Serve it warm and stir it with your fist.
This, of course, Wesson Smith.
He runs Romantic Retreats for gun-loving newlyweds.
Yeah, topics include grooming your hair trigger,
romantic reloads, and accidental discharge.
Right you are, Ken.
Of course, going last,
he has been given the impossible task
of drawing Catbird on a Stick.
Oh, that's impossible.
Oh, Kenny, but he's done it in two strokes!
Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
Oh, dear God in Heaven!
Let's take another look.
Wesson Smith right up there
with the great masters Gaugin, Monet--
Ron Jeremy.
Indeed. Some inspired skid marking,
and Guns scores, and we're tied at 23.
Wow, Vic, what's this for?
Well, Ken, you know that women love nothing more
than an evening next to a romantic fire.
Uhh! That's how you split the wood, my friend.
Wow.
Yeah. The women love the fist, right there.
Wow. Hey, let me try some fisting.
All right.
Okay, you just hit it right here?
Uh-huh.
Okay-- Aah! Ow!
Romance hurts my hand.
I should have used some lube. Indeed.
When MXC comes back,
watch them take it hard
with Wall Buggers.
[Announcer] MXC is back
for the final battle
between romance and firearms.
It's love schlock versus a cocked Glock.
That's nice.
Hmm. Uh-huh.
And...
Ow! Yes, you're under arrest.
Wow. That was cool.
Yeah. See that, Ken?
You don't need firearms to solve all conflict.
This is a non-lethal version
of taking people into custody.
My friends here, of course,
from the L.A. County Sheriff's Department.
Hey. Whoa. They'll do a demonstration.
Guys. Hey. Hold on a second.
I don't think we're-- God-- Huh?
Hey, while Vic gets his ass kicked,
I'm going to go get a gun.
so let's go to the Brown Spider
and Wall Buggers.
The object of Wall Bugger is simple:
one ball, one insect,
then bugger it.
[whistle blows]
Get it on!
[Vic] First up for the gun guys,
it's Steve Zell.
Double tap!
He runs a firing range and cocktail bar
called Get Locked and Loaded.
Their slogan is "Take a shot, then take a shot."
Shot himself into the fluid, Ken.
That's runoff from the Honeymoon Suite
at the famous Brown Nugget
in downtown Las Vegas.
Right you are, Ken.
Hi, daddies!
Next up, Bernie McCoy,
captain of the Tub Boat,
singles' cruise for obese people looking for love.
You mean fat people have sex?
Kenny, all the time.
Oh, look at that, Ken. He's down.
Hand me the wrapper!
Here's Martha King, Jr.
She's an urban peace activist
who packs a piece.
Yeah, she shoots counter-protesters
at peace rallies.
Why not? Let's see what she does.
Oh, Kenny, she is down, and she is getting hosed.
Bleah!
Let's take another look at that on the replay.
Yeah, right here, Vic. Here's what went wrong.
Wait. Play it back.
Right here. She let go.
Right you are, Ken. Good call.
Next up, Greg Josephs.
I have acne on my arms!
A frequent contributor to Penthouse Forum.
Yeah, he starts every letter
with "I'm a competitive diver,
and my roommate's a fireman."
Love those stories. Oh! Not a good run, though, Ken.
And there he is, getting sprayed on the back,
just like that chick in the May issue.
Right you are. Let's go down to Guy.
Come here. You fell so fast!
Oh, I understand you have some family with you.
Yeah, yeah, so my son and his wife.
They flew in from Cleveland.
Let me ask him a question.
Is it hard being intimate with such a tall woman, huh?
Uh, no comment.
Hey, Frenchie. What?
Get the mike out of my face.
West Side!
Here's Danny Reginald.
He makes Kevlar uniforms for South Central High School.
Man, those South Central kids are lucky.
They have everything.
Right you are, and he is out of luck, Ken.
He is down in the fluid.
I hate that!
Here's Budge Cudlow. He wrote the book
on how to give constructive criticism to your lover.
Here's his favorite.
Darling, next time, you might want
to clip your nails and take off your watch.
Uh, food for thought, Ken.
Let's see how he does here.
Takes off nicely. Good one!
And he sticks it, Ken! Unbelievable.
Let's take a look at that on the reverse angle.
Yeah, look at this, Vic. This guy's unbelievable.
He's like a professional buggerer.
Right you are, Ken.
Next up, Tyson Tendering.
Use a scope!
He's a target silhouette model.
I thought he looked familiar.
Let's see what he does. Oh, and he's down!
And that's our MXC Impact Replay.
Wow. Right here, Vic.
Listen, did you hear that? Sounds like gunfire.
Ah, the price of celebrity, Ken.
Next up--
I knew a guy named Mike!
That's Helen Keller Lasik.
She's the original blind date.
You mean she goes out
with guys she's never met before?
No, Ken, she's actually really blind.
Let's see how she does here.
She's wall buggering by Braille.
Uh-oh. Having a little bit of trouble.
Help me! Come on!
See, the Captain here's trying to give her a hand,
and it's not working out.
She needs one of those seeing eye canes
or a dog or something.
You may be right, Ken. Let's see.
You got to admire her hanging in there, though.
Well, of course. She's taped to that stick.
Right you are, Ken.
Looks like the Brown Spider's
going to give her a little hosing!
Finally broke loose.
Right you are, and she's down.
And here's Barney Babagunoosh.
I love my pistol like a man!
Let's go.
Founder of Gays for Guns.
He, of course, the last chance for Guns.
He can tie it up here.
If not, Romance is going to take it away.
And good approach.
Oh! And he can't stick to the landing, Ken.
That is a shame.
Stick the landing.
He is disappointed and embarrassed,
and let's go down to Guy.
Ha ha ha ha!
No, no. Don't do that. We're on camera.
Quick, tell me how you would greet another gay gun owner.
Hello. How are you?
What would they say back?
Hello. How are you?
Okay, now try it on me, Guy.
Hello. How are you?
I'm not going to fall for that.
I'm not going to come out of the gun closet that easily.
Looks like the gun folks ran out of ammo,
and Romance ends up taking it in the end, 24-23.
Another great show, huh, Ken?
Yeah. Hey, Vic, what's with the plane here?
I'm flying out to Fresno
to romance an old lady friend of mine.
You going to show her that making a fire fist thing?
If she plays her cards right, but first things first.
It's time for Kenny Blankenships'
Most Painful Eliminations of the Day!
And blasting off at number 10,
it's deflowerist Karen Brockman,
who loses her rosy glow and ends up a dirty girl.
At number 9, it's Tyson Tendering.
This sharpshooting target silhouette model
never had a shot.
And at number 8,
it's shotgun wedding planner Margibelle Oakly.
She said "I do," but she shouldn't have.
And at number 7,
it's kill 'em and grill 'em George Foreman.
He leaves an indelible greasy skid mark.
What an artist.
6 belongs to Latin lover Bolsa Testiculo,
who overshoots the pad
and soils his taquito biblioteca.
And number 5, it's Kevlar uniform maker Denny Reginald,
who gets buttonholed, bobbined, and buggered.
And at number 4, our very own Vic Romano,
who shows us that he's the master
at handling his own pole.
And number 3, Shannon Dorsey from Crate and Gun Barrel,
who overshoots her mark and goes off half-cocked.
And number 2 goes to Martha King, Jr.
She had a dream... of winning this event,
but it turned into her own personal nightmare.
And my most painful elimination of the day
goes to STD greeting card writer Carlton Hallmark.
Gashes are red, bruises are blue.
Sorry, you loser. You fell in the goo.
Another fine one, Ken,
and I'm ready to take to the skies.
What do we always say?
[all] Don't get eliminated!
Ha ha. I'm telling you, Ken,
ladies like the fist.
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA